


That Didn't Really Happen Did It

by anarchycox



Series: True Love is Found in Event Horizons and Taco Nights [3]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Family Feels, Fights, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Making Up, Multi, One Shot Collection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slice of Life, taco night, time stamps
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-08-07 03:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16400774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Time Stamps from the Taco Night Universe. Non-chronological, a lot from before Eggsy was in the picture (so lots of Merlin being a dad)





	1. The Grandchild Law

**Author's Note:**

> gretchen is about 20

Merlin was happily making tea, when he could hear the shower turn on. He was surprised, it was rather late, but didn't think much of it. He took his cup to the living room to read a novel that an agent had recommended and twenty pages later the shower was still going, which was odd. He went upstairs and the younger girls were all asleep, which he expected. And Audy was spending the night at a friends studying for a major test. He wondered if Gretchen had been working with plaster, that always caused a mess because she forgot to cover her hair. He knocked on the bathroom door. "You okay, need me to get that conditioner you use?"

"Yes!" Gretchen shouted. "I mean, no, fine Dad."

Her voice was off and he grew concerned, "Gretchen, are you alright?"

"Totally! Thanks, bye."

"You've been in there a long time, you sure?" Merlin was growing concerned because it just wasn't how she usually sounded.

"All good!"

The last word there was incredibly shaky but Merlin wasn't going to burst in on his almost nineteen year old daughter in the shower. "Let me know if you need me," he said and started to walk away.

"Ow! Son of a bitch!" Gretchen screamed and Merlin did not give a damn about her privacy and when he realized the door was locked he moved back a little.

"Give me an all clear or the door is coming down," he shouted. He counted to five and when there was no response he kicked the door handle hard and at the right angle and the door flew open. He ran in and tore open the plastic curtain and found himself staring at Ben and then Gretchen on the ground, crying as the water hit them both. He didn't think just tapped a wall and a knife was in his hand. "Gretchen," he said calmly. He walked over to her and knelt beside the tub. He turned the water off and wrapped a towel over her shoulders, "Do you need Ben killed and his body disposed of?"

Ben gulped, "I really didn't mean to kill her with my dick, sir," he pleaded. Merlin looked over at him and Ben quickly moved his hands in front of himself. The condom fell off his dick and landed in the tub a tiny splash in the water sitting there. Merlin and Ben just stared at the fallen condom. "Okay, you know what, please, sir, kill me."

"With pleasure," Merlin said, and Ben was truly and utterly terrified.

"You didn't kill me with your dick, nerd," Gretchen said, "I got a bloody leg cramp. Shower sex blows." She cursed and cried a little more, in pain from the cramp, and sheer humiliation.

"You don't have to lie, to protect him," Merlin said.

"Not, I like shagging him, but I think the height difference makes this a problem," Gretchen sat up and Merlin shifted his gaze. "Sorry, Dad," she whispered.

"For which part?" Merlin asked.

"I don't know," she said. "But don't kill him okay, I wanted him in here with me."

"How did he even get here?" 

"Window, I turned the security off," Gretchen had to admit. Ben was starting to shiver.

Merlin sighed, "I'll be in the kitchen. Please join me within ten minutes and the three of us are going to talk."

"Yes sir," Ben said quickly. "I -"

"Not right now," Merlin said, "Ten minutes." He left the room and put the kettle back on. He reached up into the high cupboard and took a swig of scotch and then another before putting the bottle back. He prepared a pot of tea and sat to wait. When they arrived he was a little impressed that Ben was trying to be in front to shield Gretchen. "Both of ye, sit," he said. He poured them both out a cuppa and he wasn't sure the silence in a room had ever felt so heavy, even the time Chester ordered him to let Harry die. "You know how I feel about the security system, Gretchen," Merlin said. 

"I do," she agreed quickly. Her robe was too big and she had her hair wrapped in a towel. She looked so young, god too young to be having sex, even though he had been with Susan and doing all sorts of things when he was that age. He watched them link fingers under the table. He glared at Ben and Ben shrunk but wouldn't let go of Gretchen.

"Don't do that again," Merlin said quietly. "There are just too many variables out there."

"I know, I'm so sorry, Daddy," she said. "Are you...will you...what happens now?"

"You find an empty alley and fuck in a car like any decent kid at your age does," Merlin said, "That's what your mother and I did."

"Ewwwwww," Gretchen groaned.

"Gretchen there is a lot of ewww on my end right now that I am trying to deal with," Merlin replied, "You can stand a little ancient history."

"Lot more cameras in London these days, Dad," Gretchen pointed out. "Plus Ben and a car? Bit gangly."

"Hmmm," Merlin thought about it, "What about -"

"Are you two trying to figure out the logistics of where Gretchen and I have sex?" Ben asked. He stared at them in horror. "Shouldn't you be threatening me more?"

"No," Merlin said, "She is of age and knows her mind and heart. If she wants to have sex, why should I interfere? I don't like it, but that is about it making me feel old, that my girl is grownup." Merlin took a sip of tea. "I admit, I don't like you two shagging in the house with the girls just down the hall. Frankly it is surprising with the shouting that Clara didn't wake up and that would have made this conversation much much worse."

"I love Gretchen," Ben blurted out. Gretchen stared at him in surprise and Ben realized that this was the first time he had said it. "I love you," he told her.

She froze for a moment, "You're a cool dude."

Ben grinned at her, "You are perfect," he said and kissed her cheek.

"Fucking hell," Merlin groaned. "Okay, right. Rules. We need rules. Boundaries, you two are in uni, if a car in an alley doesn't work, use his dorm during the day, or come here when the otherwise is 100% guaranteed to be empty. No me, and definitely none of your sisters," he said firmly.

"Yes, sir," Ben said. His shaking had mostly calmed down but he was still a blink away from passing out.

"Of course, Dad," Gretchen agreed. "I just...he had been busy with midterms and I-"

"Gretchen, I will always listen to whatever you feel a need to tell me about, but please, can we not tell me? Visuals will haunt me for a long long time." Merlin lifted his glasses to rub his eyes. "Babies."

"We are being safe, don't worry," Gretchen said. "I am so not ready to be a mum."

"I am raising enough kids, I will not raise yours," Merlin told them. "So all safety measures will be taken. And there will be no grandchildren for me until Gretchen is out of school. And no timing a due date for like two days after she graduates. There is no pregnancy while she is in school. That is the law of the land." He raised his mug in toast.

"I mean, sir, mathematically, even with our general use of two forms of protections -"

"Ben, I haven't killed you tonight, don't make me reconsider it."

"If you kick her out for getting pregnant even when we were careful -"

"Ben, I know we don't know each other that well yet, and trust me we will be fixing that, that if life finds a way, then we will all deal with it as a family." Merlin looked at Gretchen. "Did ye have to grow up?"

"Guess so," she said. "I love him, Dad."

"I know ye do, Bunny." Merlin put his head down on the table. "Please, for all that is good in the world never let me see that much flesh again?"

"Promise," Gretchen said. "I second the law, no babies while I am still in school."

"I third it?" Ben offered. Merlin's head was still down. "Is he going to hurt me?"

"No, Dad isn't going to hurt you." 

"I am still debating it," Merlin muttered into his arms but he looked up. "Ben, dinner is at six on Thursdays."

"That's nice?"

Gretchen let go of Ben's hand to stand up and run around the table to hug Merlin. "Really, Daddy?"

"Aye, it's family dinner isn't it?" Merlin kissed the towel around her hair. "Ben we have tacos on Thursdays, please join us."

"I like tacos," Ben said slowly a little confused.

"I'll explain later," Gretchen said.

"Much later, because Ben is going back to his dorm now isn't he?" Merlin said and it was clearly not a suggestion.

"Bye," Ben said and got up and went for the door. Gretchen followed and locked up after him.

When she came back to the kitchen she just looked at her dad, "Not mad?"

"Little mad," he told her honestly, "About the alarm, and the lack of care of those also in the house, but not about the sex."

"Okay," she said. "Most awkward moment of my life so far, so that's fun."

"Cracked the top five for me," Merlin said. "Fuck it, want a drink?"

"Oh yes please," Gretchen said. "Can I take it up to my room and die."

"By all means," Merlin said and poured her a dram and himself another and they went to separate rooms and didn't look at each other forty eight hours.

On taco night, Merlin realized he would have to almost double what he cooked in order to feed Ben.


	2. the elf and the bazaar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be all fluff and took a turn but still pretty sweet

Merlin stood there. "I don't understand," he said trying not to panic.

"You are at table three, Mr. Young," the perky woman said. "We were so grateful you volunteered. The fathers often don't, but I think it is important for the children to see the Dads participating in these sorts of events. Now Audy said you have very steady hands, that is why we put you at the wrapping booth.” She smiled and held out a bundle of red and green. “I do hope we got your correct size.”

“I was just dropping of the girl’s for school,” Merlin said.

“And then volunteering in the bazaar. You signed up two weeks ago to help today and tomorrow.” Her smile because a little fixed. “I have your form.” She pushed the bundle of fabric into his arms and flipped through a file. “Here see?”

Merlin looked at the page. “I do indeed see. My apologies that I briefly forgot. I am short on coffee and there was a butterfly clip emergency.” He gave a small smile. “And just to remind me, this is?” He held up the fabric.

“Your elf costume,” she said.

“Of course it is.” He followed her gesture over to table three and lovely it was the woman who had opinions about Susan’s leaving them two years ago. “Hello Marlena.”

“Oh hello, Hamish. So nice that you volunteered. Your ex never did, it was a shame. Participating in events like these teaches children civic duties.”

“So does finding an ingredient that will help a particular medication save millions from pain,” Merlin replied. He was relieved that the tunic fit over his clothes. He pulled out his cell phone and called work. He was very brief as he knew she was listening.

“Look how small your phone is, I’ve been told six months at least before I can get something similar,” she couldn’t contain her envy.

“I have a few connections from my uni days,” Merlin replied. “Now then do ye prefer to wrap or bow?”

“Oh I make beautiful bows,” she said. “Took a class you know.” She chattered away as Merlin organized the paper. “The children will be coming in soon to make their picks, you need to put the elf hat on now.”

“Excuse me?” Merlin asked and it was a voice that put a great deal of fear into agents and staff alike.

“The elf hat!” she said and put hers on, her hair clearly done so that the hat would sit at a jaunty and attractive angle. Merlin looked at the hat on the table. “You have to, don’t you have Christmas spirit? Think how the girls will react when they come through.”

Audy would smile and he’d have five crayon sketches from Gretchen by the end of the night. Merlin sighed and put it on. “There it looks quite cute on you and if you tilt it just a little more forward, it really hides well how bald you are getting these days. The stress of Susan walking out I am sure.”

Merlin had never once thought about killing a civilian but he spent the next three minutes planning her perfect murder. When he was completely satisfied he could kill her personally without ever being caught he packed the thought away and smiled as the children streamed in to buy gifts for parents and siblings. When Gretchen’s class came in she saw him across the room and pointed and laughed. He expected nothing less.

That night he made sure that Harry came over for dinner. “I know it was you Harry,” Merlin said. “Audy’s writing is coming along beautifully, excellent writing, but she could nae forge my writing like that.”

“I am sure I do not know what you are talking about,” Harry replied. “Please pass the potatoes.”

“I helped Uncle Harry with the Ts. You have funny Ts, he had problems with crossing them,” Gretchen said.

“Thank you my dear,” Harry said.

“You are welcome, Uncle Harry.” Gretchen smiled proudly that she had been helpful. “I don’t like meat.”

“You are six, you need protein.”

Gretchen made a face. “It has a stupid texture. I don’t like beef. Cows are stupid and taste it.”

“They aren’t as stupid as you think,” Merlin replied. “And I’ll make you a peanut butter sandwich.” He went to the kitchen and came back with the sandwich. “I had to wear an elf tunic and hat, Harry. If this is revenge for Cairo it is above and beyond.”

“I feel it is proportional.”

“I was with Marlena.”

Harry winced. He had met her at last year’s Christmas concert. “Okay, she is a little much.”

“And I have to do it again tomorrow when the bazaar is opened to the public. You will be coming and buying a used puzzle or handmade scarf.”

“It will be my pleasure,” Harry promised. They finished dinner and the girls went to the playroom. Merlin did the dishes and Harry watched him. “What happened?”

“I had to wear and elf hat.”

“That is cruel, indeed, but doesn’t explain your mood.”

“It was good I had the elf hat, because it hid so well how thin my hair has gotten since Susan left.” Merlin looked at Harry and brushed a hand over the top which had gotten very thin recently. “It is going so fast.”

“Do not let one small minded woman bother you.”

“I was bothered before, but managed to ignore it.” Merlin shrugged. “I’m not that old.”

“No, you aren’t. You just are unlucky when it comes to hair.” Harry was sympathetic and went and gave Merlin a shoulder squeeze.

“I’m unlucky in lots of things.”

“Merlin -” Harry paused. “What is the real story?”

“Susan won’t make it back this Christmas. They’ve made a critical find and taking two weeks off could set them back months.” Merlin looked at Harry. “I believe her. She never lies about science. But…”

“But she is cutting another string.”

“I think so.” Merlin ran a hand over his hair again. “Remember how she used to run her fingers through it when she was thinking? She loved my hair.”

“She is gone, Merlin, and it is going.”

Merlin looked up. “Maybe it should get gone too.”

“I don’t understand,” Harry said and hurried to follow Merlin as he went through the house. “Merlin, wait!” Harry shouted as he saw what Merlin pulled out of the bathroom drawer. “Are you sure?”

“No,” Merlin replied and started to shave his head. His hand was shaking.

Harry went over and gently took the clippers away from Merlin and finished the job for his friend.

******************

“Oh,” Marlena said surprised.

“Hat will nae hide the bald spot today,” Merlin said and put the elf hat on and touched the smooth skin underneath. Feeling air move against the back of his head was an odd feeling.

“It, well, it suits you quite well, Hamish. Well,” Marlena coughed. “Well, yes it is well. How is our paper holding out?”

Merlin checked the supplies. “We should be set.”

“Because this is the public today, we are encouraging donations, but there is no set price.” Marlena kept staring at him and it was disturbing. She looked hungry. Merlin wondered if he should get her a biscuit or something.

“I am ready and willing to serve,” Merlin promised.

“Well that is...good,” she agreed.

The bazaar was packed and Merlin spent the morning wrapping gifts. When he took a break he wandered the bazaar and saw a scarf that would be lovely on Susan. He didn’t pick it up, cutting another string.

That night the girls kept poking his head as they watched tv. “Can I paint a face back here?” Gretchen asked.

“No,” Merlin replied.

“Come on, eyes on the back of your head, like you always say you have,” Gretchen begged.

“I do have them, they are magic and little girls can never see them.”

“I think you look very handsome, Daddy,” Audy told him. “Like a head on a coin.”

“Thank you, I think.” He turned the Christmas special off. “Girls, we need to talk. Mama won’t make it home for Christmas this year. She is really sorry but -”

“That’s okay,” Gretchen said and Audy nodded.

“It is?” Merlin was surprised. 

“Sure, we have you, what more do we need?” Gretchen asked.

“Bet we can get Uncle Harry to make that yummy duck he makes,” Audy said.

“Oh that is a meat texture I like,” Gretchen said. “And Dad will make Christmas pudding.”

“Do you think Santa will get us that new computer?” Audy asked.

“Definitely, you’ve been good, and I was hardly ever caught. I hope he brings me that easel.”

“He will,” Audy promised. “But not Toblerone, it is so hard to eat.”

“It is the stupidest chocolate ever.”

“Girls, are you really okay?” Merlin had been fretting for a week.

They looked at him and hugged him tight. “We would be better if you wore the elf hat around the house, to get into the Christmas spirit more.”

Merlin snorted at that. “Not happening.”

Christmas day while Harry made duck, and Gretchen worked on her easel and Merlin put together Audy’s new computer he wore an elf hat.


End file.
